can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
