used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
