I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
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