once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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