I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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