Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
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Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
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In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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