I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
