i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
