Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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