and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
