saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Boobs are out for the taking
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
