i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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