Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
