I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
