I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
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I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
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I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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