I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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