I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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