My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
