You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
