im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There r osticjed everywhere
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
