So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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