i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
