He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
