I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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