when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
