I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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