I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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