Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
