my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
