hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
