just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Randomize
