Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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