Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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