I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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