There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
