I cannot find my penis.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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