I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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