I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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