im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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