This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
