I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
