I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
