I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
