Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
