The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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