i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
