I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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