I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
