but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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