: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
