I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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