I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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