Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
