Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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